These past few years have been so difficult, so trying, so heart wrenching, so hard. Everything has had to be strengthened. Everything had to be steady. Everything had to be challenged. As to prepare for the challenge of getting a diagnosis of Parkinsons Disease.
I am struggling to steady myself. After so many years of preparing to "get better". And of all the time, energy, prayers, hopes for when I get better. When it is time for me to become whole and all the things I prepared to DO, without taking account of my long list. When I can become the person I want to be. Now I am left with the chasm of leaving the "get better" and becoming the "best I can be". That is quite a canyon. That is a big change. Sometimes I can easily be real about this disease and learn about it objectively. I can try to battle my fears head on of becoming someone who can inspire others. Someone who can place things on the holy altar of God. Someone who can partner with the Savior and heal while accepting the new turn that has been given. But today, I must admit that I am not that person. I am falling short of being honest, falling at every attempt to accept this disease and the future it could lead to. My fears scramble my thoughts, try to devastate my hopes, and freeze my steps into becoming. I pause. Some days I let myself cry. Sometimes I don't see a need to cry. I regroup. I hope and look at my fears. I share the load with Scott. He has been amazing. He has steadfastness of hope. He prompts me to move forward. He reminds me that if I choose not move, I can easily loose what ability I have. Not only this a reality with moving my physical body, but it is a very real lesson for the spiritual.
I prayed today. I pray every morning and night. But this morning, I wanted to be reachable. I know my heart is guarded and that I am very protective during this time of what I allow myself to feel. The Parkinsons feels bigger than I can handle. But at the same time, I am grateful. So grateful for the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father. The counsel given in a blessing to have the Temple be the top priority to feel the healing power into my life as the waters of Bethesda. To have a husband who will fight with me and share his strength with my weakness. For children who quietly watch and serve in small but meaningful ways. For life. No matter my physical weakness, may my spirit grow in strength and capacity. In areas that previously were deemed as unnecessary. As I watch my body struggle each day to operate, I hope to find inner strength that keeps peace within.
The account of John 14:18 records the Savior said, " I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." Lord please allow me to see more. To feel more. To share the comfort you are giving me with my family and especially my children. To help them to be healthy not only emotionally during this transition, but spiritually strong and healthy to move forward and gain spiritual abilities that will allow us to be teachable.
