Struggle by definition "make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction".
Today, I hit the skids. I gotta just get some things off my mental block and then tomorrow I take a breath in to start again. I'm not a big complainer, but on days like this... I just let it all out. I give myself a day to get frustrated and a day to deal with stuff that just pushes me. So, here we go. Truth be told, I dont talk a lot about it, because it get's boring. I would rather others see who I am instead of what I struggle with. AND, everyone has something they struggle with so we can grow and come to God on our knees, humbled. Then we see that we have been supported more than we realized. We see that we are loved and not being punished. We see that there is more to us than what we struggle with. And, we learn that it is how we struggle that brings the greatest lessons.
But, I want my kids to understand why plans get changed, life goes on, Faith is a lifestyle. I want them to hear why I was in bed so much. And learn that you are stronger than you think, the Lord shows mercy to those during refining fire trials, and that fears should be met with prayer.
Having Fibromyalgia and lower back issues, means that you get to always have something wrong with your body at any time. I've had it for 10 years and it's something that you live with an manage. It's upkeep, it's not something you can turn your back on for a while and pretend it's not there. But it's not like fighting for your life, it's not a level 10, it's not something you die from. It's just something chronic and constant. Like the hummm that is always there in the background.
It can be pain like you wanna just roll into bed and pretend you are an amebia without limbs because the hurt drives you crazy. I'm not going to focus on this, it's not a comfortable place to be. Pain can take over so much attention in your brain that you are not able to share or be social. You just are on a survival level and try to find some relief and release. And, it does come. Remember that.
It can be the darn hormone issues that don't like to cooperate. Thyroid is a pesky little thing when it's not happy and you have a disease that complicates its productivity. It can make you hot/cold/not sleep/feel like little things are humungo/impatient/and not feeling like yourself. When your TSH is level .006 instead of 5.0 to .32. When your T3 is too high at 5.18 instead of 4 range. It reminds me of a trapeze, your hormones constantly change, especially when you are per-menopausal. Hot flashes...had them for years on and off. But, (I have checked with Scott) and we agree, it doesn't make me moody with swings. And many with fibro and chronic pain battle this fun issue. And that contributes to the fun weight struggle. Let's let that alone right now.
There's also the strength and weakness issues. This weakness hits me like a wave sometimes out of the blue. It can be unexpected. It can lead to my hands shaking and tremor. This comes and goes. I have to go with the flow and just let things happen when my body takes over. I'm not a big exerciser right now. Sometimes I can do it more consistently. But when my body doesn't have the strength, I have to rest it up. And wait, and stick to my revolving regiment to get healthier. Sometimes I don't like to be a spectator. But there have been many times that I have been blessed (literally) with "miracle strength" doing things beyond what I know my abilities are at the time. I thank my Heavenly Father for that. They are very noticeable some times and is viewed by me as a miracle.Kids thank you for literally helping me put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes going upstairs, I need to be pushed. Or when we are out, my strength can be gone and I have to sit. But remember, I'm not ninety...even when I look hunched over as if I was.
And, while I'm full on complaint mode, may I also just exhale my frustration with my little killer cells. Yes, I know you are over worked and underpaid. Yes, I know that I have caused you to decrease until you are just a shadow of your former self. And I must thank you for helping me to fight off this cold. Being cold for over 3 weeks isn't that big of a deal because I love to be home. But when your cough changes to big migraines and then headaches that continue on and off throughout the day... it kind of breaks up the fun of being home.
So, now I learned that I have to go weekly to get the IV to help boost the vitamins and minerals I'm lacking in. This time specifically for Magnesium. Who thinks about magnesium? I did the IV for a few months 2 years ago and it wasn't that bad. That part I don't really mind. It's kinda setting aside an hour to meditate and quietly sit listening to the ipod and let your world stop. And, I'm being "tanked up" with vitamins and minerals, not with chemicals like someone with chemo who is fighting for their life. Mine is not critical for life and for fight.
Now having shared all my secrets with you. I feel a little relief. Kinda like getting a slurpee or having a cookie with WHITE chocolate chips (because I'm not a milk chocolate kind of girl). You know you needed that, you know you can't do it all the time... but when you needed it, you went for it. So, I'm sharing.
